Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
