I can text with my tongue
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I want her autograph on my taint
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
