I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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