How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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