How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
