I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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