It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When are your genitals available?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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