you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
