He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
