i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
