Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
