I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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