it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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