Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
