TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
time to smoke my breakfast
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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