woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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