she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
