I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
false alarm, still single
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
