1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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