dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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