overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Every concussion has its silver lining
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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