I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
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