tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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