wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
