Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
