so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
