Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
