i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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