In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They have beer where we have blood.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
