i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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