no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
