do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
