2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
whose ass print is on the piano?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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