What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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