stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
