What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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