____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Buhtt sex?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
