People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
