my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
you had me at cake vodka
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
