Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
