what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
