the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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