I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
