I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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