Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
