dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize
