How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
