Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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