I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
