Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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