i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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