We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
