I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Holy shit dude........stairs
we should paint friendship bongs
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
