She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
