Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
