This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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