Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize