I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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