chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
